Happyness...

So one of the things I REALLY need to work on in the big transformation of mine is confidence.

I have VERY low self-esteem. And it seems like the more I hear people say I'm ugly (jokingly or not) the more I believe them. But people can call me beautiful 30 million times a day and I just WONT hear them. Or I'll argue with them about it...cuz I SWEAR they're lying to me...

Anyway...so some things have some up in my relationship recently that I have a MAJOR problem with...

First I'll explain the back story.

My ex and I were together for 4 year and we barely had any friends outside of each other...much less friends of the opposite sex. That was a HUGE n0-n0. Anyway, we were young. He was 17 and I was 15 when we met. So four years later, he was 20 and I was 18. Well, obviously, it was time for him, maybe even past time, to move out on his own. Now initially, I was excited about this because we would finally be able to be ALONE as opposed to being in a house FULL of people at ALL times of the damn day...Well...I should have put my excitement on hold. What I failed to realize was that this would be his FIRST time living on his OWN. And he was with me for 4 years....4 of probably the most significant years of his life. I never thought to think about the fact that he would probably want to have a chance to be his own man...Alone.

Well...that's exactly what happened. He decided it was time for him to act a fool. In my heart, I believe he was cheating on my wayy before I actually found out. But he tried to make me believe we were breaking up because he thought I was cheating. (Which was not EVEN the case). It wasn't until about 2 years ago that I thought about it and realized HE was the one doing wrong. Damn men.

Anyway...fast forward to the present. My current boyfriend is 25, so of course it's probably time for him to be living on his own. Well, he just got an apartment. When I found out, I was SO devastated. I felt like we had broken up. I couldnt eat, I couldn't think. I couldn't stop crying. This was all mainly because I'm TERRIFIED that the same thing will happen. And I really don't want it to because I REALLY wanted this relationship to work out.

The only difference between past and current is that current has a LOT of female friends...and in the past, there have been 2 ALMOST episodes. Meaning I ALMOST had to cut his ass for ALMOST doing me wrong...

Anywho...things are alot better now but there's always...ALWAYS that thought in the back of my mind about what he COULD be doing. And now that he has his own spot...and I live 3 hours away at the moment, there's no telling WHAT could happen.

He assures me that nothing will happen. The same thing KIND of happened to him when HIS ex moved down to be with him...so hopefully, he understands and wont try to make himself feel better about her by hurting ME.

Anyway...the point of this post was to point out that I really MUST be a difficult girlfriend. I really want to change this though. I mean he tries to reassure me A LOT about my insecurities and such but there's just ALWAYS that thought of "what if".

I kno he wants me to just accept that what we have is good and as long as things stay this way, we have nothing to worry about. But it's just so hard...with everything that happened in the past, with him AND others...it's just really hard for me to trust men...

I DO hate thinking negatively about everything everyday, especially my relationship. I want to be able to think about all the good things all day, instead of all the bad. Mainly because the bad is in the past. BUT...if it happened before, there is always the possibility of it happening again.

SO anyway..I asked a few friends what they thought on the the situation, including past and current. Here is what they said:

Friend 1(Female)said: He wouldn't do that to me and I need to stop stressing it so much (not that big of a help lol)

Friend 2(Male) said: That's dumb, why would he do that?

Friend 3(Male) said: I can't blame current for past's mistakes and I need to learn to accept the fact that whatever happens happens. If he cheats, it just wasn't meant to be.

Mom said: she personally thinks Current respects and cares for me more than Past does and she really doesn't think it's going to happen again. I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with it and if I chose to deal with it, then I'm going to have to trust him.

Well...my choice is to deal with it. Maybe this time, it will work out for the better. I trust this guy...sometimes lol. I believe that if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't. We've been long distance since the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago. And he wouldn't drive 3 hours just to see me for 2 days or even BE with me if he didnt want to. Why would he need to? He doesnt....he WANTS to.

At first things were rocky cuz he was just coming out of being hurt really badly and being single for 2 years...so it wasn't easy for him to handle being in a relationship. Understandable but...also somewhat bullshit. I put up with it anyway...because of love. And now I can say I think he realizes what his 80 is...so he leaves the 20 alone.

I think I'm done there...I think I just made myself realize what everybody has been trying to get me to realize for 2 days now.

*fAb*

P.S.- GOOD NEWS!!! I on the weight loss track, I lost 14 lbs.!!! YAAAY ME! only 36 more to go...