And still...

Well...despite my last entry, I haven't been handling this thing so well.

I'm REALLY trying tho...

I don't want him to feel like I'm blaming him for what my ex did...but at the same time, he's given me reason not trust him before. So who's to say he wont do it again? I mean he didn't cheat or anything, I don't think...but u kno...whatever.

It's just really hard to almost have to re-live the same exact thing that put me into a DEEP depression...So of course I'm going to be paranoid.

And I keep racking my brain trying to remember exactly what drove my ex to do it but I can't because I blocked that relationship out of my mind. All I think about my ex now is how I hope he dies a slow and painful death.

I know one thing...I really need to stop accusing him. I know guys don't like to hear that shit all the time. But it's gotten to be such a habit, I just HONESTLY can't help it anymore...

Add that to my list of things to work on.

Ok let's move on...I need to think about something else.

So I started my PR class Monday. I was SO excited cuz I'm FINALLY taking the class related to my major. But now, in the class, I feel so inadequate. I feel like everyone in the class is already a PR professional and they already know the business and everything, they are just taking it because it's a requirement. And I feel so DUMB! Like today we were talking about what a business might need dealing with PR and they said something about "publicy held" and "investor relations". I don't know what EITHER of those mean...and I probably should. This is so sad.

How am I going to succeed in this business? I have the WORST confidence, I'm not outgoing, I'm quiet, I hate people...sometimes. I have no faith in myself

Whatever. We'll cross that bridge when we get there...

No weight loss updates right now. I don't have a scale and I've been to stressed to workout. But I've also been too stressed to eat so...ya never kno...

*fAb*

Happyness...

So one of the things I REALLY need to work on in the big transformation of mine is confidence.

I have VERY low self-esteem. And it seems like the more I hear people say I'm ugly (jokingly or not) the more I believe them. But people can call me beautiful 30 million times a day and I just WONT hear them. Or I'll argue with them about it...cuz I SWEAR they're lying to me...

Anyway...so some things have some up in my relationship recently that I have a MAJOR problem with...

First I'll explain the back story.

My ex and I were together for 4 year and we barely had any friends outside of each other...much less friends of the opposite sex. That was a HUGE n0-n0. Anyway, we were young. He was 17 and I was 15 when we met. So four years later, he was 20 and I was 18. Well, obviously, it was time for him, maybe even past time, to move out on his own. Now initially, I was excited about this because we would finally be able to be ALONE as opposed to being in a house FULL of people at ALL times of the damn day...Well...I should have put my excitement on hold. What I failed to realize was that this would be his FIRST time living on his OWN. And he was with me for 4 years....4 of probably the most significant years of his life. I never thought to think about the fact that he would probably want to have a chance to be his own man...Alone.

Well...that's exactly what happened. He decided it was time for him to act a fool. In my heart, I believe he was cheating on my wayy before I actually found out. But he tried to make me believe we were breaking up because he thought I was cheating. (Which was not EVEN the case). It wasn't until about 2 years ago that I thought about it and realized HE was the one doing wrong. Damn men.

Anyway...fast forward to the present. My current boyfriend is 25, so of course it's probably time for him to be living on his own. Well, he just got an apartment. When I found out, I was SO devastated. I felt like we had broken up. I couldnt eat, I couldn't think. I couldn't stop crying. This was all mainly because I'm TERRIFIED that the same thing will happen. And I really don't want it to because I REALLY wanted this relationship to work out.

The only difference between past and current is that current has a LOT of female friends...and in the past, there have been 2 ALMOST episodes. Meaning I ALMOST had to cut his ass for ALMOST doing me wrong...

Anywho...things are alot better now but there's always...ALWAYS that thought in the back of my mind about what he COULD be doing. And now that he has his own spot...and I live 3 hours away at the moment, there's no telling WHAT could happen.

He assures me that nothing will happen. The same thing KIND of happened to him when HIS ex moved down to be with him...so hopefully, he understands and wont try to make himself feel better about her by hurting ME.

Anyway...the point of this post was to point out that I really MUST be a difficult girlfriend. I really want to change this though. I mean he tries to reassure me A LOT about my insecurities and such but there's just ALWAYS that thought of "what if".

I kno he wants me to just accept that what we have is good and as long as things stay this way, we have nothing to worry about. But it's just so hard...with everything that happened in the past, with him AND others...it's just really hard for me to trust men...

I DO hate thinking negatively about everything everyday, especially my relationship. I want to be able to think about all the good things all day, instead of all the bad. Mainly because the bad is in the past. BUT...if it happened before, there is always the possibility of it happening again.

SO anyway..I asked a few friends what they thought on the the situation, including past and current. Here is what they said:

Friend 1(Female)said: He wouldn't do that to me and I need to stop stressing it so much (not that big of a help lol)

Friend 2(Male) said: That's dumb, why would he do that?

Friend 3(Male) said: I can't blame current for past's mistakes and I need to learn to accept the fact that whatever happens happens. If he cheats, it just wasn't meant to be.

Mom said: she personally thinks Current respects and cares for me more than Past does and she really doesn't think it's going to happen again. I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with it and if I chose to deal with it, then I'm going to have to trust him.

Well...my choice is to deal with it. Maybe this time, it will work out for the better. I trust this guy...sometimes lol. I believe that if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't. We've been long distance since the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago. And he wouldn't drive 3 hours just to see me for 2 days or even BE with me if he didnt want to. Why would he need to? He doesnt....he WANTS to.

At first things were rocky cuz he was just coming out of being hurt really badly and being single for 2 years...so it wasn't easy for him to handle being in a relationship. Understandable but...also somewhat bullshit. I put up with it anyway...because of love. And now I can say I think he realizes what his 80 is...so he leaves the 20 alone.

I think I'm done there...I think I just made myself realize what everybody has been trying to get me to realize for 2 days now.

*fAb*

P.S.- GOOD NEWS!!! I on the weight loss track, I lost 14 lbs.!!! YAAAY ME! only 36 more to go...

Friday the 13th...

Product of the day: Neutrogena Body Oil (used in the shower after washing :-))



Well surprisingly....

My Thursday the 12th was worse than my Friday the 13th.

Yesterday, I don't know what happened....I just....snapped!

I think it all just hit me at once. Work. Boyfriend. Money. Family. All of it...

I just couldn't take anymore and I just....snapped!

I'm gonna try not to let anything like that happen again. I don't think you understand when I say I think I LITERALLY went crazy yesterday for a split second...

I wont go into details....just kno...it was BAD.

The only good thing about yesterday was that for some reason, I got my boyfriend to TALK to me...about stuff that had been going on between us. At first it was like talking to a brick wall...but last night. It was like buttah...nice.

Anyway..that was yesterday...today was a new day.

Friday the 13th to be exact.

Now I'm not usually one to be superstitious but judging by how my yesterday went, there was no tellin...

Only a few bad things happened today that really got under my skin..but nothing that couldn't be solved with a little Common and Alicia Keys. Or almost solved at least...

So now here I sit...waiting for a phone call hopefully confirming that my idiot boyfriend didn't get himself into trouble tonite cuz certain people in his life are too scared to fight their own battles.

I don't understand people like that...people that talk ALL this junk but need "backup" when it's time to act upon it...whatever...

Goodnite....

*fAb*

The New Me

Hello...

I decided that if there's going to be a new me, there has to be a new site. So no more Xanga...it was boring anyway...

Anywho...on to bigger things.

I have been making some decisions about my life lately and a lot of these decisions involve a lot of change.

I know change isn't easy but in my case, it's needed.

Soo...here we go:

*Im GOING to lose weight. Current weight is.....and goal weight is 145. Yea...that sounds about right. But no diets. Diets are just a conspiracy thought up by the MAN to try to get EVERYONE to conform and eat the SAME things ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Not Jessica. I'm just going to eat BETTER and workout more.

*No more living to please other people. For WHAT? Does ANYONE live to please me? Does anyone even TRY to please me?? Hell no. It's time that I start living for Jessica. Fuck everybody...I'm doin ME <----my new motto :-)

*This is going to be an ATTEMPT...not a PROMISE. But I'm going to try to stop being so negative and try looking at the positive side of life. I've said this many times before but this time I have a feeling things are going to be different. I'm also on my "what's the worst that can happen" shyt...

*New attitude: I'm not taking any bullshit from ANYBODY anymore...I'll ask u nicely once but after that, my bitch WILL come out...

Now that all that is said, I don't want anyone to think that this change is going to happen overnight. I have been how I am for 22 years and that's not gonna change in a hot second just cuz others want it to.

And so it begins....

*FaB*