I really hate the beginning of the semester because my mind is SO jumbled and there's just always a bunch of confusion. "Where should I buy my books?", "WHEN should I buy my books?", "Which books do I ABSOLUTELY need RIGHT now?", "Where am I gonna get the money?"...and it just so happens that 3 of my 7 seven class have more than 3 required books...yay me.
I got myself into some ISH last night buddy...I don't even know how to explain what happened. All I can say is, I probably wont be in communication with my dad or stepmom for a while...and I'm completely fine with it. I'm so pissed at them for always trying to make me feel bad...whether it be intentional or not. And I'm tired of my stepmom always making me out to be punk. What was one of my resolutions? Get a backbone right? Well...I'm starting here. And my mom didn't help my situation any...anything she said to him was her OWN words and came from her OWN feelings against him.
On another note, I was thinking about my relationship today as I was watching Sex and the City (greatest show EVER by the way). In the episode I was watching, Carrie was trying so hard to figure out why her relationship was so perfect and what flaw Aidan had, if any. She even went to the lengths of taking a little breather from because he was so perfect...
I kno right...Well anyway, it got me to thinking. Why do we, as women, LOOK for flaws in a relationship? Why do we look for a challenge? And then when it's not perfect, we wonder why. Lately, I've been thinking alot about how I've been acting regarding him and I'm kinda out of control...I'm trying to be more trusting of him so today when I presented a challenge, I had to figure out how to deal with it. And I had to take a step back (to last week to be exact) and I realized something, for it to be easier for me to trust him, I need to start thinking about the him that I KNOW, not the him that I FEAR. And by fear I mean the him that I think about when I envision him with someone else, or the him that would cheat on me, or the him that doesn't care about me. Because I know he does, and DEEP DEEP DEEP down, I know he wouldn't do that to me...I think.
I think I watch too much t.v. And I fault that for my perception on what a relationship should be...and I HUGELY fault that for my thinking about all these cheating possibilites. I dunno...Maybe I found my Aidan and I've just been too blind to see it...
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